A global loneliness crisis has driven millions to seek emulated empathy in AI companions like Replika, Character.AI, and Pi.AI, yet the nature and impact of these human-AI bonds remain poorly understood. This study examines how users experience and navigate emotional connections with non-human AI through a dialectical analysis of 18 interviews, 93 surveys, and 166 social media posts. We uncover a paradox: 50% of users see AI as friends, 31% as sexual partners, and 19% as counselors—despite knowing they confide in non-human entities. While AI offers synthetic, personalized affection as a 24/7 service, users oscillate between connection and alienation, struggling with suppressed awareness of AI’s artificiality. Theoretically, we frame this as a Nietzschean existential irony—the craving for emulated empathy reflects humanity’s struggle for meaning in a meaningless world. Practically, we call for ethical AI design and governance that enhance human relationships rather than replace them. Regulators must act now to prevent AI companions from replicating and amplifying social media’s harms. The future of companionship hinges on navigating this irreconcilable irony—prioritizing human flourishing over engagement with a non-human technology that is rapidly becoming all too human.